What do you think of the story i'm writing?

I could see everything. The vampyres mingling with mundanes. Mundanes that would join us vampyres soon enough. I could see all this and it seemed humerous. Even though I went to school with mundanes we were fiction to them. Made up stories. Stories like Dracula. (Which Vlad actually resides in Rome not Trannsylvania. Lets just say he throws wicked parties! Anyway.) Even at a place of excersise like lets say the Y. Fourty percent of the people, or whatever, are vampires.

Dragon and Jaze flanked me as I meaninglessly walked the track. Dragon fit his name perfectly. His hair was jet black and spiked in the back. His golden eyes were slit like cat eyes.

Jaze, on the other hand, was calm. His hair gently yet threatenly fell against his face. Lip pierced and threatening eyes. He is a person you don't look in the eyes of. That is unless you want to be lost and slowly have your soul burn.

"Jaze, Dragon. Any news?" I asked. We were Forbiddens. Vampyres who knew there was a war comeing and liked the idea of it. We hung back in the shadows. Other vampyres loooked down on us.

"Arbeit, Nielle tells us the children are not prepared for attack." Dragon announced.

"Arbeit, Caleera also foretells the mundanes will be first to attack." Jaze just gave the worst news.

"How! Their impotent minds would never comprehend what we are! And now you are telling me they are going to start the great Forbidden's war!!" I screamed. But not audible for any mundane. There damn ears would never hear it.

"Arbeit, don't blame us for the news they gave us." Dragon tried to suck up.

"You know I would never blame you." I brushed the back of my hand against his face. "You could never do anything wrong." Then I let my hand fall down to his neck. Then choked him. "But next time you will not bring me bad news!" I yelled.

"Of course not." They coward in fear.

"Good." I said walking of. Now only Jaze flanked me.

"Arbeit, The prophecy. Remember the prophecy. Vampyres will win." Jaze said with so much reasurance.

"For your sake they better!" A smile sweeped over Jaze's face. "Also for yours and your brother's sake those children better be ready by the war."

"They are small babies still." Jaze would of easily excused.

"And powerful ones age quickly. Don''t forget there useless till the hit puberty!" I screeched. "There useless till their vampyres. Like these mundane raised soon to be vampyres will have any help to us. The Perfects will get to them before we could! GOT IT!"



Vampyres have families. Believe it or not. Its only a mundane legend that vampyres don't breed and are nomads. Any ways its where I usually stayed. My family was too part of the Forbiddens. Now was time to tell them the bad news. News that they would have the same reaction to that I had on Dragon. Jaze I could never hurt. He is my hottie. Luckly for either of them they weren't flanking me.

"Mother, Father, I was given bad news about the Forbidden." I sighed. My parents gave me control of all the forbiddens and this is what happens. Damn that.... AH damn it!! "Caleera. She is a Perfect. How couldn't I see it till now."

"Arbeit, what are you saying?" Mother said.

"Caleera told Jaze that the mundanes were going to start the damn war. How could they? They have no power unless the Perfects are supplying them with information that we are unknowingly supplying!" I paused "I'm such a fool!!!"What do you think of the story i'm writing?
Wow! That was totally awesome...

Keep writing, you have real talent! :D

xo xoWhat do you think of the story i'm writing?
You spelled 'vampires' wrong. I stopped reading after you did that.What do you think of the story i'm writing?
If vampires are supposed to only be legend to the mundanes, how can they get away with having golden eyes and not raise any suspicion?



You use the word "anyway" far too often. Don't write how you speak, it sounds too clunky.



You toss in too many unfamiliar terms for the reader to absorb in such a short span. Of course they all know what a vampire is, but what is a mundane, or a forbidden or a perfect? It's all too much information in such a small span.
iffirst of all that was great it made me feel calm after the stress i got today