Would you mind giving me feedback on my short story?

I have a write one weekly for AP Composition, so I was wondering you could give me some feedback before I submit it.



It's sort of a cautionary tale slash Urban Legend. And please, DO NOT STEAL :)

It's named "Maiden of The Wind"



Once in a land no different than ours, a one of trees ground, and air, there lived a young samurai and the maiden of the wind. The samurai boy thought himself the strongest, fastest, and most handsome individual in his village. For the most part, this was true, and most any girl of virtually any age or marital status swooned whenever he would grace them with a smile. He however, only wanted to start a family with the fastest, strongest, and of course the most beautiful girl in the village. Out of the entire woman studying the discipline of Martial Arts, or the lifestyle of the Lady-Samurai, only one was good enough for him. The one they called the Maiden of the wind. Her pale skin and flowing blond hair complimented her minty Kimono. On top of her beauty and skill, she was the daughter of the wind herself and the granter of immortality. Her smile seemed so inviting to the young man, while her swordplay and crane style rivaled his own in technique. In his mind, they were meant for each other.



He had tried to court her two times, the first he simply bowed a low bow and asked her for her hand in marriage. The wispy Maiden politely declined and said he wasn’t fast enough for her. He laughed it off in front of her, but ran home to plot a workout plan. The man became so fast that he eventually managed to beat even the Hawk in a race. The boy then came back and bowed the same ritualistic bow he had before. The maiden of the wind simply giggled and said, you may be faster, but you haven’t gotten fast enough. Slightly agitated, he left without a word to train for another month long regimen. This time, he managed to not only train under the water dragon, but he managed to beat him in a race. Among a variety of skills, the Samurai learned the art of water walking.



At this time, he asked the maiden for her hand in marriage. And for a third time she declined stating he was still not fast enough. In an absolute rage he braced his knees, slid his hand over his blade, and began to attack. The strongest hand in the village, holding the sharpest sword was headed straight for the maiden. Like a Mantis, she quickly drove her hand forward in the air and crushed the sword into thousands of tiny shards that fell like crumbling stars. She then drove her other hand through the heart of the boy and brought him closer to her face so she could explain herself.

“Boys like you never know your limits. Instead of taking no for an answer you simply try to defy your god given limits and so daringly take on the elements themselves. You may know how to walk on top of the water but never forget that you only can do this because the water allows it.” She then laughed in his face and snapped her fingers. Helplessly the over confident Samurai watched at winds stirred the shards of sword and spun them faster, faster, faster until he was nothing more then a bloody mass of human muck.

“Now you finally resemble your true self; a blob of disgusting.” Spat the maiden as she walked away into the woods, never to be seen again. Some say if you go looking for her on the right day, and in the right light she may appear in front of you to test you and see if you are worthy of marrying into the immortal elements. If you are not, she will simply laugh whilst she obliterates the very atoms that you are made of.Would you mind giving me feedback on my short story?
- "a one of trees ground" makes no sense. I think you need a comma between trees and ground.

- WHY is the girl blond if she lives in Japan (which is what I'm assuming since you're talking about samurai and kimono)? Make her look Japanese or don't set your story in the past in Japan.

- "Out of the entire woman" also makes no sense. Try "Out of the entire group of women" or something similar.

- Take another look at your first sentence in your second paragraph. It could use some re-wording.

- I wouldn't say he left to "train for another month long regimen." He left to train for a month.

- The last sentence of the second paragraph seems awkward to me.Would you mind giving me feedback on my short story?
I write as well and the first rule of written it that YOU DON'T POST IT ON THE NET. Hope you copyrighted this. It good though do grammar and spell check. And don't post this on the net. Someone can easily say this is theirs.Would you mind giving me feedback on my short story?
It's good, GREAT, AMAZING. Keep it up.