Writers: Can you critique the first page or so of my story, please? Is it too much like Shrek?

Chapter One: Ogre



I awoke with a start as a bone-chilling scream tore through the once blissful morning air. Now wide awake, I cast about anxiously for my spear that was lying somewhere next to my sleeping cot. Ah! It was a few feet away tucked inside a layer of tall, long grass that heavily populated this region of the mountain range commonly known as Dreg. Actually, the full name of the mountain range was the Dregonian Range. For short, everyone just called it the Mountains of Dreg or simply the Dreg Mountains. A putrid stench nearing me snapped me out of my reverie, bringing me back down to earth. I snatched up my spear and tucked my hunting knife in the belt of my tunic that I had been sleeping in overnight. From the distinct nightmarish smell, I could already tell what it was: an Ogre. Not bothering to ask permission (I'm only ten and six years old), I darted off into the woods that surrounded the camp of my tribe.



"Claw!" My mother called out shrilly. "Where do you think you're going? You know we don't fight anyone or anything except for food. Now, you get back here!"



I winced and missed a step. Catching myself before I stumbled, I ran on ignoring my mother's fading cries. Unfortunately, that much was true. Abhorred we abhored killing. It was completely shunned unless we were attacked by some wild animal driven by hunger. Even then, we scared it off with fire or some other method of fear. I found it all very tedious and stupid. What if invadors came looking for slaves? I had heard stories of slaves from some other tribesmen who came to trade with us from their own home tribes. Slavers knew no mercy, it was said. A slaver could never be defeated. In this case, my home tribe wouldn't even try to defeat a slaver.



Now the ogre. Ogres were rare as a monster for they loved to stay in their secluded dens that were located in the deep places far to the west of the Dreg Mountains. They never hunted anythign that went out of their way, and as far as I knew, this area of the Range was far from any Ogre Hole (as we called their dens). Why would an Ogre come so close? There were plenty of other monsters in the Dregonian Mountain Range.



One in particular, for which the Range got its name, was the Dragon. However, the reptilian beasts had learnt from experience that humans were a force to be reckoned with. Thus, they drew back to the farther and more secluded corners of the Range. Eventually, they left humans alone all together and faded back into the shadows of myth and legend, like a host of other monsters and even demons that once stalked the Dreg Mountains.



Another cry ensued from the front of the route that I was taking causing me to lose concentration. I stumbled, and would have slipped off the side of the mountain. It was a sheer drop. Lucky for me, my keen senses that I acquired while living, hunting, and bleeding in the Range caused me to be aware of these things a little more than other people. Unless it was another tribesmember. Now where was that cry coming from? It was from an Ogre by the sound of it, and an angry one too! How much worse could my luck get?



Someone, a female from the sound of it, let out a string of surprising and disturbing curses presumably at the Ogre and my head snapped around in the right direction. There it was. My hunt had ended. Perched loftily on a grassy knoll was a young woman. She seemed to be twenty and one or two years of age. Her hair was a curly black and her eyes were a stormy grey. They flashed dangerously at the Ogre who hadn't noticed me yet because he was focussed on his prey.



Surprisingly, the woman stood approximately six feet tall and maybe a few more inches. That was much taller than me! I felt like a child compared to her. Her bodily form, now that was something else entirely. She was the most beautiful and stunning woman I had ever seen in my life. And that is no exageration! Her form was perfect, like a goddess, and her light blue tunic tied at the waist with a darker blue sash clung tightly to her lithe and nuble body showing off all her womanly assessts. My mouth watered and my body began to react. Unfortunately, the Ogre took just that moment to realize he had one more enemy. I curious sounding grunt escaped his rougish lips and a puff of rotten, stinking breath shot into my face.



"Gah!" Was all I managed.



So much for aspiring to be a hero in front of the woman of my dreams, even if she was too old for me! Although I was concentrating on the monster, I could feel the woman's eyes fixed on me. Sweat beaded on my forehead and my hands that clutched my spear began to tremble. Any bravado I had felt before was whisked away under that cold glare from the woman and I could tell I had stepped in at a very wrong time.



Then, to my shock and amazement, just as I thought the Ogre was about to strike; it's body rippled. And it transformed into the shape of a young girl no Writers: Can you critique the first page or so of my story, please? Is it too much like Shrek?
I am a non expert.



It seems a charming little tale that has words everywhere. This needs to be tidied up. Also its dissimilar enough from Shrek to get away with it. I would say its a bit like Shrek crossed with LOTR.





Hats off to your effort.Writers: Can you critique the first page or so of my story, please? Is it too much like Shrek?
The one thing I'd suggest is having a go at changing the point of view from the first person. It'd be better if the we saw Claw rather than through his eyes, it gives the reader a great perspective. It feel it'd be better to watch the characters in the scene unfold this way e.g.'He awoke with a start...' or 'Claw awoke with a start...' Unless the character is deeply introspective then it'd feel more natural to write this way.



Also, quite often simpler words are just as effective as descriptive or more unusual ones. For example,:



I cast about anxiously for my spear that was lying somewhere next to my sleeping cot.



reads just as well with:



Anxiously, I looked for my spear which was lying near my bed.



It helps move along the action to give it a sense of pace and shows the urgency the character feels. Trimming unnecessary words too will help tighten your prose.



Hope this helps!Writers: Can you critique the first page or so of my story, please? Is it too much like Shrek?
No I do not think it is too much like Shrek. This seems pretty unoriginal :)

You need check the structure of your work and the word order, also the punctuation is a little off but this is good.

:)